Halo Jiwa Indonesia
14 min readNov 7, 2021



No matter what the people say about me, every time you touch and kiss me, I become a hero, when you tell me that you love me”.
Thanks to Francesco Petrarca.

Falling into a dark abyss with maximum depth of 10,911 meters (35,798 feet) below sea level, inviting the void with cynical whispers that answered each other. Legalizing the powerlessness to once again try to play with the silence, smart jokes from rationalizations, it’s really sad to be narrated in a 3x4 m2 plot of space of idea. Opium as fantasy tried to wash away, but in the end, it was still led into the realm of pseudo-dominated, blocked by a wide wall that even the eye couldn’t reachits ends. As if a collective agreement had been established, time also did not want to be left behind, stripped off its attributes as an antidote, fearlessly, full of arrogances, proclaiming itself as the best torture poison. That’s a little picture of what the bastard was feeling.

The perception that “everything will be fine” and ‘everything will be beautiful in time” are enough evidence of the existence of optimism, but does that optimism have the preparation to deal with problems that is not sensitive to the word ‘excuse me’? Then authentic experience needs to be explored more deeply. The fact that optimism will be faced with reality may be different than the expectations that have been widely shared so far. The choices are reduced into two, imprisoning the screams of disappointment or releasing him in the form of a compulsive play, something that has never been thought of before. Of course, for people who believe in theology, this uncertainty has temporarily disappeared. If God immediately condescends to send Pandora to visit, it will bring a miracle, a miracle left in his heirloom box. It’s to call Hope, what’s the date of birth, who are our biological parents, what kind of childhood, believe me, I’m still to questioning it. Surely someone has another name, a name that is so warm, that is “Hope”. Optimism and hope, two terms that is easy to find with just a flick of the industrial revolution’s capitalist thumb. But what is the thin line between Optimism and Hope? The abstraction flashes fictive below will try to lead us into the world of imaginary interpretation.

A man with a degree of optimism that is a bit overdosed, or even much overdosed, in the bitterness of his love affair he crawls slowly, like a tiny 7-month-old toddler, dragging his body to find support amid his loneliness. Autonomously at this time his brain is not able to cope with the psychic shock that is in the process, by being forced to send stress hormones to his body, confirming that the pain has become a reality. The heavy load of about 100 Kg seemed to move with an extraordinary work ethic, continued to press his chest and heart, the frequency of breathing increased, faintly a small moan sounded so soft that came out of his mouth. He hugged his own body tightly, on his knees he bowed his head while begging for forgiveness, for the pain that knew no love, continue to suppress him. High expectations managed to drown him in a stream of despair, realizing that the optimism that he had been so proud of had carried him into nothingness.

Various literatures said that humans with a high level of optimism tend to feel so confident to overcome the problems they face, such as: self-confident, but maybe not yet, to embrace self-affrication, some experts associate it with the power of the ego and internal control (locus of control). Optimism itself will be very different if you pretext desires, in this case reaching or achieving something (goals). If the desires have been fulfilled, the euphoria will dance, even over the suffering of others it may be legalized, but if optimism ends otherwise, then the optimistic bias takes over the stage arena. The world’s theatrical sentences are so familiar to the ears when an absent-minded human whisper the words:

“Don’t get your hopes up too high, you will get sick later.” The paradoxical diction in that sentence can be contradictory and trigger a feeling of pessimism. On the other hand, it will generate optimism, attract enthusiasm, widen the path of hopes, and embrace optimism towards the finish line. Both sides had indeed entered his mind, from pessimism to slowly turning into enthusiasm.

Reasonably enough, it happened by recalling a memory supported by the power of the highest entity became the main reinforce, the power of unlimited that is unmatched even by creatures with the highest metaphysical strength. The answer was given by God through Charles R. Synder’s thoughts on Hope, giving effortlessness to his cognitive flow. Synder has connected Hope with the existence of a goal, carefully planning where realistic perception is the capital to achieve that goal. For Synder, hopeful thinking is shaped by three main things. The first is the existence of a goal that is important to achieve, the second is the strategy (pathways) about finding various ways to reach the goal, and the third is the will (agency), which has function as a driving force, providing confidence that the goal can be achieved. Simple reconstruction begins to fill the head of the bastard for him. Optimism is only part of forming Hope with has functions to give full encouragement for confidence and to achieve goals (affective), careful planning which calculations are needed (cognitive), to move to achieve goals as the next step (behaviour).

“I’m picking up your love!!” Oh shit!! So loudly the jargon possessed him, escorting the footsteps towards the goddess’ workplace. A few ways to show off the results, exactly that I mean men, started with self-stigma as a symbol of stupidity that let the wheels of Pandora’s vehicle roll slowly away from it. Fair enough, he thought, on a medium-high wooden bench, right next to a tree, a few steps from Pandora’s vehicle, he sat hiding clutching his kneecaps. His careful plans had dissipated so faster, not wanting the opportunity to slip away, he ran as hard as he could after Pandora, the suspicious gaze of a security guard quietly following him. He was so aware that chasing was just a futile form of action that the wheels could not turn around to just saying ‘hello’. The one thing that pushed him forward, a wall phrase, “it is better to act at fault than to remain in doubt”. The dramatic situation was unavoidable, dozens of words were typed blindly, and illogical conversations were being discussed, indicating his panic, so poetic for a contact that had blocked him for a long time. The final conclusion, security cancelled plan A, forced him to switch to try plan B.

The friendship approach is Plan B, lowering self-esteem standards to get realistic advice from those closest to Pandora, those he has never met in the real world, venturing out for a solution until sceptical questions about love and obsession begin to arise.

“Are you sure you’re in love? Isn’t it an obsession?” The question was sophisticated enough to turn the micro-gloss expression to nothing. In doubt, he took a stand, choosing the word obsession pinned to him, just like the title from Susan Forward is Obsessive Love “when it hurts too much to let go’ when it hurts too much to let go’’. The zone lasts long enough, though one zone has not satisfied him yet, it makes him desperate to enter other zones, including the one that is foreign to Pandora, even cheap jokes do not escape his efforts, so loudly spit out in such a way. Until he was blocked unilaterally and in groups from the world of social media, following what Pandora had done earlier. “Naturally, they do,” he thought. A cup of warm tea became the only witness in the afternoon, right at the time of the afternoon tenderly swirl at the tip of twilight, the three of them welcomed the arrival of a newspaper with the tagline,

“You are manipulative!! Manipulator!” A Silhouette comes to serve something special, special for this day. He swallowed the newspaper raw and still thought this was not enough, not equal with the chaos that had been caused. Inaudible ridicule after mockery and teasing as a grabber made him more used to it. No more than 24 hours of his stomach digesting, another silhouette has delivered a luxurious class meal for a dessert. The zone carries a tumpeng from Pandora, who has pledged herself, a step into becoming a candidate for the container of another male seed.

The metaphysical cycle is turning again like an act of the R pattern. The meeting after a long time is quite touching, pessimism greets cheerfully, puts an arm around his shoulder, and says “hello brother”. Makes him repress his chest, tightness that keeps repeating itself.

“What should I do?? I’m tired of talking to them, having to look fine, and just can’t live a lie anymore”. His mind wandered, tried to wash the face, but ended up shorting his frontal lobe, slipping in the rows of bathroom stalls, where fragments of memory fell strewn. The series of days must be passed with confusion and full of question marks, trying to put the pieces of the picture together. So slowly but surely, like the philosophy of “alon-alon asal kelakon”, a memory portrait of a pair of smiling faces in unison calls all the pieces of the picture back home. Thoughts from Synder, who had first fed his mind, he came home with the idea of Shane J Lopez. The phrase “one route is closed, then another way can be opened” is so spectacular. Yes, that’s the conception of hope declared by Lopez that those who have full of hope have two main beliefs, which are different from other people. The two beliefs are views of a future, that state it is better than the present, and the belief that the power to create, has been possessed. Those who have the second belief IS people who are full of resources, recognize various strategies to continue to move towards goals, think realistically as a function of anticipating and making plans to deal with difficulties, blow, or disappointments. It is so flexible because it believes that if one route is closed, then another route can be expanded.

The fire of Hope is getting warmer, and the plan is made again, this time in a limited range. At every opportunity, he continued to visit where Pandora was most likely to reveal her form. This time he didn’t have to worry about security barking because the target was a different place. Around 13.00 pm, in the midst of the thundering sky, he walked along the tiled path, speeding up his steps to avoid the black clouds that seemed to be starting to conspire. Forced to pass through building X to finish the pile of thoughts in building Y. Between the X and Y trajectories, his footsteps slowed down, his sense of hearing increased sharply to try to catch the faint sound of calling his name. He then spontaneously turned his head and spotted from a distance, an object that was staring at him. It was so familiar, their gazes collided, accompanied by the sound of the pounding of the sky that made him decide to continue on foot.

“Is that really her?” Several questions tickled in his head, squeezing doubts in his tendentious arrogance. His mind was increasingly demanding answers, for the sake of the authority of the Curiosity, it was decided to return, confirming the spirit of the object.

“So, the voice came from you, you finally appeared, good job boy”. That object was Pandora’s vehicle.

“She must be in the building,” said the man with full of confidence. He rushed to X building to prove his assumption. The results are valid, in the building, there are several rooms with tiles facing each other, in one of the rooms, located in the far corner, Pandora is sitting cross-legged, staring at the pile of papers in front of her.

“Don’t be too serious, just answer with your hunch, relax your brain”, a small voice from the man’s heart for Pandora who was enjoying Pandora’s back, his hand pressed weakly on the small glass sized long box downwards that merged in the door leaf, the glass box at once became a barrier of view, a slight smile graced his face, slowly walked towards the exit, choosing to sit, waiting for Pandora in the gazebo which was located right beside the exit. A cigarette was lit, making his vision begin to lose focus, a sign that his imagination was at work.

“How long we haven’t seen each other?? Where should I start?? This time, I’m sure! I will definitely succeed.” Optimism barked, thought experiments worked automatically, calculating all possibilities along with repeated simulations within two hours, until Pandora finally came out of the building. Pandora’s footsteps turned right, toward her vehicle, in the opposite direction from where the gazebo was located. The man rushed over to her, patted Pandora’s right shoulder with the roll of paper he had been holding from the start. Pandora looked behind her, while the man’s face was in the opposite direction. When Pandora looked in opposite directions, their eyes met.

“Hey,” said the man. Pandora was shocked. Pandora’s gentle side showed her maturity, returned the man’s smile, made the man feel nostalgic again. Pandora followed him, walking behind the man to the rest of her vehicle. In front of Pandora’s vehicle, the uncomfortable situation was implied so sharply, it was clear from Pandora’s face, especially with the low-quality words that the man said. The man realized the situation he was in.

“Looks like he’s sure of her decision, did I succeed?” thought the man while keeping his eyes on Pandora’s face.

“ I have to go home soon.” Shocking words suddenly came out of Pandora’s mouth.

“ I am coming along”. Quickly the man answered, he began to exert a little force, intending to follow Pandora wherever she would go, but Pandora must have been so persistent in her refusal. Like a pair of small children playing hide-and-seek, they circled Pandora’s vehicle, which could only remain silent, a nature that Shiro had to live with as a lifeless creation. The chase has never ended, various raindrops began to drop continuously. The man stopped his pursuit, his strength was quite drained, he began to take a breath.

“You’re avoiding me, I just wanted to talk,” he told Pandora. Words that are in vain, Pandora still insists not to hear it, various arguments from the man make Pandora even more eager to leave him. In the middle of the debate, luck came one-sidedly, the rain had agreed to help the man. No matter how strong Pandora’s stance was, it was not enough to fight her instinct of gentleness, and Pandora began to melt.

“Yeah, we’re sitting there.” Pandora pointed to a small bench under a tree just a few steps from her vehicle. The two of them walked towards the place.” Yes, that’s how it was from earlier, I should have bought a handcuff, so I’ll handcuff your legs, then I’ll carry you and drag you to altar,” whispered the bastard in his head. On the bench two lush trees look to have aged to shade the bench, the tree protects them from the sting of the rain that started to pour. The man took a ballpoint pen from his bag, tried to write something on the piece of paper he had been holding in his hand, made a small note for Pandora. Sometimes in between writing, he stole glances, staring at Pandora who was standing right in front of him. For months, he had never felt such a sight again, although his gaze finally caught her eye, as a result, Pandora wrinkled her forehead as if to say:

“What a look!! What other drama are you trying to show right now?!”

That’s the result of the metacognition that the man tried to touch, whether it was true or maybe just a mistake. It was raining quite hard, as much as possible the Man wanted Pandora to be with him a little longer, even if it was only for an hour.

“Let’s sit in the gazebo, the rain is getting heavier,” coaxed the man in a half seductive tone to Pandora, he pointed at one of the gazebos, the place where they had sat sharing stories about the past.

“Not here,” Pandora replied curtly. Hearing this, the man’s spirit immediately weakened, he resumed writing, while occasionally consistently persuading Pandora.

“I have to go now!!”, Pandora suddenly showed the steps of the warrior, she ran towards his vehicle, the plan was well-read, the man took off his pen, put away the paper on his thigh, and ran after Pandora, and once again, it’s totally a pity everyone, the male trips. A few seconds late, the decisive meeting between the two of them, Pandora was already in her vehicle, not to be missed with a clear click sound. The man couldn’t help but stare at Pandora, who was now safe from him.

“What’s wrong with you?” The man did not stop persuading Pandora who would prefer not to care about him. With a touch, forced the man back under the tree, picked up a pen, and tidy up the papers scattered on the ground, he sat protecting his bag from the rain, watching Pandora who was about to leave him. The cold slowly began to pierce, the sound around him began to shrink, both eyes looked tirelessly at Pandora but his mind was dragged into the realm of nostalgia.

“Don’t play in the rain”. The scream startled him, the sound of Pandora and his vehicle now passing right beside him, 4 steps from the bench where he sat.

“You are cruel” the sentence spontaneously came out of the man’s mouth.

“Yes, I am! Now I’m terrible!” replied Pandora in a confused tone. The man turned his face away from Pandora, the sentence became Pandora’s last sentence that was heard in his ears, the rest were just answers and unconscious movements. Seconds of time has to change Pandora finally left him, and the man as usual could only sit quietly, mumbling while staring at his own feet.

“At least horns first, then leave” he said one last time. I don’t know why it has to be the rain that is always present, has witnessed the union of body and soul, and is now a witness again, but for a farewell.

Not wanting to leave, the man chose to remain sitting under the two trees, hugging his bag tightly, enjoying the rain that began to explore every gap in his clothes, his body began to shiver. The scroll of paper was still clutched in his right hand. Slowly the roll of paper spun around his fingers, alternately his legs began to swing forward. After a few minutes, a light, radiant smile began to appear on his face, a smile that was so familiar to Pandora, a smile that indicated that the mystery had met the answer. His feet were close together, the revolving paper was placed beside him, he lowered his head looking down, recalling something impossible to forget. The man took a breath, his gaze fixed forward, slightly looking up he began to distract himself (jouska).

“It’s been quite a long plan, this is the answer, and thank God, my hope (Hope) has been completed (finished). Even though it was short, I finally got to talk to her directly. Listen to this, Pandora, you will encounter so many reasoning in the future, my visionary even mapped some people with negative perceptions about me, half-understanding brains, but let it be, some of my analysis schemes have been planted in your cognition, hopefully, it will last. Be happy and don’t worry, because you only broke one heart, I don’t know if we still know each other. Until now, I still feel like a person who should be responsible, not that I don’t love you, but reality forces me to do something else, remember this carefully, whatever I’ve to do so far, nothing’s going to change my love for you. I’m too fond of collecting your flaws, commenting on you too often, even being so diligent in scolding you, until finally, I was so hard to let go of you. I can’t say everything, but for once I want to give a series of apologies, I’m sorry for asking God to launch my plan, I’m sorry until the end, I kept hiding something from you and made you have to be so worried about it. Make you stay away from me, and be wary of me, forgive me as an actor for your decision to close all access to me. I’m sorry to make you ask your best friend to do the same thing, take your worries away from him, make it part of my plans, make you think like the best, have to make you a medium to fiddle with his patience, I’m sorry I have to make you choose him and have failed as the best love. I’m sorry that I secretly directed your mind, I’m sorry!! Forgive me!! I’m sorry for doing it all, without you knowing”

Penulis : M. Arief Sumantri

Editor : Dina Ariani

Translator : Dewi Suratmi



Halo Jiwa Indonesia

A community that focuses on promoting mental health in Indonesia #SehatMental #mentalhealth | email: halojiwaindonesia@gmail.com